I am not
sure why I am writing, maybe because I logged on or deep down something is
struggling to come out.
Sometimes and within recent times, like a few hours ago I sat
wondering what my life was about. In movies you always see how your
non-existence affected the outcomes of lives, in real life, you never get that
opportunity to have this bird's eye view. You have to feel your way through and
hope that your self-worth and faith is so strong you don’t second guess your
existence.
I am not second-guessing my existence what I want to know is my
purpose. Everything I thought I would be good at or was told I would be great
at just does seem to come to fruition, at least not in the ways I anticipated.
I put in energy, effort and time not to mention finances and I do well but, I
am never good enough to be seen for my talent or potential.
Could it be I am being ungrateful? Admittedly, I
learn and I grow (and that in itself is a blessing).
Yet, the very thing I invested in, comes to a dead end. I work twice
as hard as people who are not as committed or the ethic have and they thrive.
Maybe I don’t market or network well? Network, I hate that word. In
my head it is just another way to use and pretend to like or be interested in
people you don’t care to get your way, then you just toss them aside. Obviously
I have an issue with this.. but that will be for a future rant.
Moving on. So, maybe it was not my calling. Yet, when you see those
with less inclination, or natural ability in the area progressing more so than
you, one cannot help but wonder what have they got or done that I have not?
Sometimes it feels like my entire life has been one entire
waste. I invest time and energy in people and activities and what happens?
Nada, Zilch, Zero.
I don’t expect anything from investing in people I consider
friends or a person who may need my help. I am always willing to help once I am
not breaking the law or compromising my morals or values.
Could it be I am too willing to help and people assume I am
meant for that purpose, and once that is served they move on because I no
longer serve a purpose? Afterall they come into your life for a reason, season
or a lifetime. I have had this happen one too many times.
Fortunately, I put an end to that cycle. It was a challenging, torturous and
lonely, however, you are better mentally, emotionally, psychologically and
spiritually. You emerge unafraid, okay in my case more fearless than I was
before. Of course, I have my off moments. Who doesn’t?
On another note when it comes to my interest and pursuits of
them perchance I don’t believe in myself enough, and that translates. But if
you’re doing the best, people acknowledge your good at it, you put yourself
into the area and all you come up with is a brick wall. What am I doing wrong?
What is my block? I wish I had an answer but I don’t.
Possibly it’s the time they put in more investment, willingness?
Wait even when I do that it seems like it just isn’t for me or my efforts are
in no way acknowledged, encouraged or good enough.
Perhaps I appear to not need any encouragement ..hmmm. I have
been told I appear to be self-possessed and exude confidence. Maybe
I can be confused as being arrogant and people do not want to share
their opinions??
Oh well, in the end, I have faith (I hope it is enough ) that it
will all work out according to God’s plan. Yes, I just said the G-word. God, I
said it again.
Maybe one day all that I do, the challenges and perseverance
will pay off. Until then I will continue to strive as best as I can hoping that
it will all make sense.
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