Little Girl Lost - I feel like I have lost myself and I don't know how to or where to find the real me anymore

Hmm so a new year begins and I feel calmer but displaced with a  cloud of uncertainty. Rejection and abandonment and I guess a bit of not feeling like I am good enough.

I feel like I am not good enough. I don't know what I should be doing with my life. Purposeless. Ramona says people like us move to the beat of our own drum. This makes you feel unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. Its almost like I was meant to walk alone because most people don't get me and as a result they label me.  I know I put up walls. It's not even walls I just don't allow people in.

Searching for my happy childhood, wishing for it.

I feel like I don't belong in dance. Everyone is one way and it's like I have to suck up to everyone almost because everyone had their little group and I don't fit in anywhere. I do not know if I have any true friends. Everyone finds it so easy to replace or discard me.  They make me feel worthless and undervalued. No one tries to understand me but they claim they do. When they are dejected, rejected, alone or depressed they appreciate me. Once things change I become a burden to them a reminder of who and where they used to be.  I can be forthright and harsh but it is annoying when you can see where something is heading and see situations and people as they are, people think you are being presumptuous and negative for your view.

Wishing you could turn back time

I make no apologies for who I am. Certainly, there are things about me I can change but when everyone constantly beats up on you for who and the way you are it can wear on you. Jesus Christ was rejected in his perfection so I should always remember this. I just feel so alone. I am tired of being taken for granted. I have worth and I deserve to be respected and appreciated. Yes indeed I have flaws but I am not all bad. Why does it seem even when I am being genuinely good people think I am not? I know the only person to please is God but it is so hard to be repeatedly rejected and wrongly judged.  All these ingenious people are seen as so nice.  Again it makes me feel so alone. I feel isolated, I cannot trust anyone. Maybe. I don't know. I want this self-doubt and loss of self to go away. I want to feel whole again. Filled with purpose and joy and peace. I don't know exactly how to do this?  I know God is the answer and the beacon that can lead me to where I need and am meant to be.

Waiting to belong                                                           

There is no order to even how I write. I feel like I am wandering aimlessly through life. Going nowhere in particular and having no specific destination as a result. I feel like a failure. I have no idea what I want to do, I feel lost :( and hopeless. I hurt so much my pain has become physical. I know in time it will fade and I will heal but for now, it just hurts, it just hurts so much. My eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts because it is broken and all I want to do is cry all day and night and curl up in a ball. I would love someone to hug me and tell me it is going to be okay. But when you are strong NO ONE EVER ASKS IF YOU ARE OKAY. No one sees the pain in your eyes. All they see is the bravado you put up. The facade, the front you need to get by. I guess everyone knows I have dealt with numerous issues on my own. When a person is constantly attacked and has to put themselves together it changes you, the essence of who you are. Trying to reconnect with your true self is always a challenge especially when you are being stabbed repeatedly and you are unable to leave the situation.

This too shall pass!