Ramblings - I just started writing what I was feeling and this is what came out

Write a book you say?   What do I have to say that the world wants to hear? 

 Where do I start? Do I even want to write? I am stumped or maybe I am afraid no, actually I do not have a thing that flows no thoughts anything. It is like I am walking in circles in my head trying to figure out what to say, where and how to start. Am I really devoid of emotion or any feeling or am I numb and in fact I am avoiding what I should be focusing on?

Maybe I am so off centre that I cannot think nor feel. I feel like I have detached from reality. Maybe, maybe that's all I keep saying. I feel like I am simply allowing life to happen with no active participation. I laugh, I smile but am I going through the

 

Not being centered can throw you off your course

emotions or is this reality? Am I here or do I really exist? I am unable to make any connection or sense of my current state of mind.

I am not living or existing I am simply occupying space and time.  Matter! that's what I am. I feel I am suspended in a world, place, situations and I am reacting to a preset reaction. Sometimes I think at the moment I am happy, no at peace. I have not felt this peaceful and content in a long time.  It is almost like a calm before a storm. A storm I have no fear God is and will always be on my side. He had handed me trials and although I have doubted and questioned, let go of his hand and queried motives he has always been steadfast in his love. Unwavering in his support of me.

Stay in touch with your inner child

Our or rather my communication with him has ebbed and waned but he has never closed that door. I do not need a plan to speak to him, just a desire and  a willingness. His ear and heart are always available in his unwavering love for me. Your guidance if I listen to that still, small voice never leads me astray. It is the guiding force you have provided. I have learnt once I listen I cannot go wrong.

Unfortunately my shortcoming is lack of communication. I  remember a closeness to God I once had and how connected we were. Time and circumstances has led to distance between us that I am solely responsible for.  I have learnt  to be more willing to communicate with people but as that has grown I have lost touch with God. I want to know him like I used to. I try to pray but lack consistency. I feel so much stronger and complete when I communicate with God.

My bond is broken but not severed it can be healed! To do so will require time, effort and a burning desire from deep within my soul. I have always wanted a close relationship with God.  When I lack this true meaning in my life is not possible. It is only through his guidance and influence can I understand my purpose in this world.


Broken bonds if not repaired can sever relationships

Direction, Guidance and Understanding are needed in my life. People have told me I am special or I have a gift yet not one person has elaborated nor guided me as to what it is or how to discover and use it for the greater good.

I have given advice to friends and to people because I could and I can. I care so much I am willing to risk a friendship to help someone. I guess I try to be to people and do for them what I would like done for me.

I have found that in my deepest despair I have no one to turn too. Yes God is always there but I don't know how much sense this makes but I feel you need that human touch. Knowing this I feel moved, inspired. I will act upon that inspiration. I want to be a vessel to be used by God for his work. To provide love, healing and comfort to others and me.

To do so I must first reconnect with my Heavenly Father. I must place trust in him that does not falter even in the darkest hour. I must heal and draw closer to my Heavenly Father. Where am I going with this is unclear. It reads like a mindless ramble of a pseudo writer. I feel like I am writing because I was told to do so. I can write and if maybe this is my calling I don't want to have at least not given it a try.

                                                                                                Stay true to yourself

Talents everyone has them right? So I have been told. For a long time, I felt talentless, I cannot draw in the traditional sense of the word. I am however versed in stick figures. I tried origami and everything turned into a paper rock. I couldn't even fold the paper correctly.  I have been told I can write, I have a way with words. I do agree to an extent. I can read really well. Always wanted to read the news or work on the radio.  I can dance and I am good at shopping and making other people look good.  I always thought that if you were good at something somehow your job should be related to it. It has not worked out like that for me.

I have not had many opportunities. I have taken whatever opportunities came my way. I have questioned myself in my seeming lack of abilities. Why has my life been like this?