Things girls think

I have never been afraid to speak to the people I accept as friends. I believe open and free communication is of tantamount importance. I am uncertain how you will receive what I am about to write but  it is how

 I feel and I prefer to let it out rather than allow it to fester.

I am not sure where you are emotionally but I am tired of walking on eggshells because I am uncertain of how you will react.  You do not speak to me anymore yet you claim we are friends. As a result you have left me with no other choice.

As a man, you want to fix things once you hear the issue. Problem is the same issue that keeps recurring and I don't know if it is because I

 have done or said something.  You said no but I wonder..maybe my personality is too much for you.  Or if you have simply decided to change our friendship. Yes I know we have been more than a friend to each other at times.

I decided to write rather than speak to you. After our brief conversation on it has become necessary much more so for me than you. As it is clear you are not affected in the same way that I am. In fact, you are not affected at all.  I cannot allow what I feel to be swept under the carpet.  I feel like I am your friend, have been your friend and will always be your friend. I don't feel you share the same sentiment. I have wondered if you are my friend or was  I simply a distraction that you no longer have use for?

I didn't always feel like this. I honestly felt you were my friend. I felt comfortable talking to you and being with you. I thought you were also. You always said my conversations were heavy. Maybe that is because I made you talk about what you were afraid to face. I make no apologies for this as this is what a true friend does if they realize the issue.  I would never repeat anything you said to me to anyone nor would I ever use it against you.

 Our friendship developed fast and sometimes when the dust clears you to realise that you really don't want this person close to you. Maybe that has happened? 

It was said that I have distanced myself from you. if memory serves me correctly and it usually does in instances like this the distancing was initiated by you.

When I asked about it the response was everyone is saying the same thing. You just don't have time. Work and study. Had I not asked I would not have known. However from what has been implied and what I have gathered from conversation thereafter amends have been made with the friends and colleagues. So much so that you expended and extended time to additional persons. Everyone but me it appears.

Read carefully and the realization that this is not about jealousy as has been suggested.  I have not known you as long as they have, we don't share a common religion, I may have not experienced the same form of racism you did ( but I have had my own). . we come from different socio-economic backgrounds and class.  In spite of all this, we were friends.

However, you have put more distance between us.  As you will note I don't ask about your life. Not because I do not care but you have made it apparent that you don't want or need me to. I took the not so subtle hint.

It appears you prefer to wear your heart on your sleeve for people who cannot help nor do they genuinely care. You prefer this person as they will give you an opportunity at a relationship. This validation is more important than someone who genuinely cares and would never exploit or take advantage of you. My remarks can be caustic and it may not be realized but it comes from a good place. Your personality needs to have that sometimes. When you are coddled your wallow longer. 

I understand exactly what you are going through. Every emotion or feeling you are having I have had. If I pushed too much and I probably did it was only because

I know all this crap really holds a person back and sabotages you personally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  It makes one vulnerable and as a result second guess themselves. I only tried to be a friend in the way I realised no one else in your circle was bei

ng.

You are more comfortable speaking to other people not about the above issue but in general. But in the same vein you say everyone knows and they all want to help and are always asking if your okay and you feel pitied. ( i never once pitied you) Truth is you give them ammunition to use. 

From my perspective each time I asked about why you are treating me like this you say you are busy.  I  gave your space to study checking intermittently because I don't get in the way of anyone's future. On more than one occasion you told me you don't like texting or instant messaging. You seem to not mind doing it with everyone but me. You say that I am jealous that your talking crap with these people.  I am not jealous just hurt that you treat me like this.

I haven't put distance between us you have. If you are uncomfortable with me because of our complicated friendship just say so. I always told you when you are interested in someone to tell me. You were worried it would change our relationship. It would never change that your my friend and I care about you. I don't allow people into my life easily but I allowed you in that should say something.
 
I know I am difficult and complicated and challenging and outspoken among other things I made clear to you.  I can be harsh but it doesn't change that I care. 

I feel you have been dismissive, distant and treated me like an afterthought. I won't force you to speak or spend time with me against your will nor because you want to appease me.  If someone wants to spend time with you they will and they will make the time if they are busy
 When you first became friends we spent lots of time with each other. Then all of a sudden it stopped completely. First the conversations and then the time.  As a human would you not want to know why?? it can't be because of being busy when you have time for everyone but this person....


Know that I am your friend and care about you. I had to write because I felt prompted too. If anything I wrote has hurt you I am sorry but these are my feelings and I had to share them. I come from a family where we don't discuss things. I have made it not that way with my relationships outside of my family.