Be not afraid

I stopped randomly on TBN last night and as John Grey spoke I felt like he was explaining to me what I have been unable to verbalize.

FEAR that was at the centre of it all. I was AFRAID.  What was I fearful of?  

I sit here and as I type what is causing my fear doesn't seem to make sense as I am unable to identify the source. Is abandonment the issue, not feeling valued, or being taken for granted.
Realizing that I took so many years from my life to be a friend to someone and they just walked away and continued living their new life while trying to take mine?

I cannot articulate what is the cause.. abandonment keeps coming to me, and I feel like I am undervalued, maybe something is wrong with me as no one is willing to fight for me. People come and go, it is all transient. I feel like everyone leaves me. What is it about me that makes people leave? Maybe I have bad choices in whom I allow into my life. 

Could it be I have made loyalty into slavery?  Staying way longer than I know I should walk away? Is that why I feel hollow, empty, alone... abandoned.


I am afraid of what could happen. There is so much swirling in my head. When your former friend is after your ex and he is defending her to you after she lied to his face about you, told him what and why she is doing what she is doing. You fear that they will get together, as you have always known she has the morals of a dog in heat. He forgets you and all that you had, that you cannot even have a friendship because she has so poisoned him against you with all her pretence.

She has already tried to take my friends away from me, my true friends have stood by me and I thank God for that. She has tried to make me feel worthless in fact she has tried to get me to feel the way she feels about herself. I have had so much happen to me that I was not even processing things. She feels bad about herself and to make herself feel better she tries to exclude me and push me out. Isolation is her goal.  


What hurts is that people cannot see through her façade but then she had a good teacher, her mother, the queen of fake.
I cannot allow this I am worth way too much, I am a good friend, it is the people who are unable to value me and my strength that have walked away. I did not enable or praise them in the face of misguided choices. I stood my ground. I should be as strong as I once was. Own who I am and not allowing the weak I have tried to help have resulted in them taking and taking and taking all the while not giving back. Their manipulation and condescension in the face of my adversity they took advantage of to break me down. No more. I must set myself and my soul free.